Autistic Communication & The Double Empathy Problem, A Neuro-Affirming Perspective

I’m an ADHDer and neurodiversity affirming SLP. I use the social model of disability rather than the medical model. The social model says autistic neurodivergent people are disabled by society. Autistic perspectives are just as valid as those of the neuro-majority. But there is a double empathy problem. Autistic people communicate well with other autistic people. There is research that has proven this to be true. The disconnect between autistic people and the neuro-majority that happens during communication is not just because the autistic person isn’t understanding neuromajority norms that involve indirect communication. Allistic (non autistic) people are equally (or more) for their lack of attempt to understand autistic perspectives, communication styles, and experiences.

Because of the medical model of disability (autism diagnosis = need to get therapies bc autism = deficit = burden on autistic person to work so hard to be understood and accepted), the neuro-majority looks at autistic communication as the problem and doesn’t even attempt to understand it or accommodate for it. Actually autistic communication can be better than allistic communication from my perspective as a speech-language pathologist. Technically, being direct is actually so much clearer. Good communication is communication that is easily understood by others (and considers listener needs). While yes of course it can be helpful for autistic people to learn how to understand communication needs and norms of the neuromajority, it should be just as important for the neuromajority to put forth effort to appreciate and understand autistic perspectives and communication norms (e.g., not take being direct personally), and work to be more direct to accommodate autistic communication needs as well.

The goal of communication is to come to a shared understanding- it takes effort on both sides to get there. The burden shouldn’t be put more on the autistic person who is already at a disadvantage being disabled in an ableist society that wasn’t created with their needs in mind.

Why is "self-love" crucial for personal growth?

“Shame is the enemy of progress” -KC Davis. I know this to be true from my own lived experience. As an ADHDer who once felt I needed to be fixed, one of the most important foundational factors for self-improvement was building self-love. Skill growth requires awareness and self-reflection for meaningful change. But when you are drowning in shame, it can feel nearly impossible to learn from experiences.

Instead of collecting meaningful insight for growth, after a negative experience shame can cause you to ruminate, “beat yourself up,” reinforce negative harmful personal narratives (“I’m lazy & rude - I never do anything right”), and then repeat behaviors that exacerbate the cycle. Rejection sensitive dysphoria is far too common amongst ADHDers and those who experience EF differences. Its impact can be debilitating.

By working on self-love as we learn what it means to be neurodivergent, we can de-stigmatize and reframe our “shortcomings” as “differences,” appreciate and learn to capitalize on the positives of our differences (e.g., with reduced inhibitory control comes heightened imagination and creativity), unmask, and pave our own life-paths in alignment with our true-selves. As self-love grows, we learn to remove judgment and replace it with self-compassion. Skill development becomes continuous and limitless when we form a habit of unbiased self-awareness- when we are able to self-reflect, identify what worked and what didn’t work, and replicate or adjust our behaviors to achieve desired outcomes. This builds resiliency - we learn we can trust ourselves, we become empowered, we feel in control of our lives and ready to rise to the occasion.